Did you know that every time you fart, you contribute to global warming? That’s right: if you want to reduce your carbon footprint, you have to stop farting. That’s because the gas in a fart is almost all methane, and methane is the most powerful greenhouse gas known to man or woman. You can drive your SUV a hundred miles and not produce the same level of greenhouse gases present in one good, long fart. That’s because burning gasoline produces carbon dioxide, which is chickenshit compared to methane. If you want to stoke up the earth’s atmosphere, put a little methane into it.

So what do you do to stop farting? You have to plug yourself up with one of our anus stoppers, discreetly available at your pharmacy next to the laxatives under the brand name Flatulence Fighters. These are the disposables. If you want the security of permanent, reusable stoppers, go with Flatulence Fighters II. For these, you make an appointment with your doctor to be fitted with a stopper that retains your anus’s unique shape. With the doctor’s visit, these run only $75.99, covered by your insurance. It’s a little more expensive right now, but you save a lot of money in the long run.

How do you know these work? Our anus stoppers are tested thoroughly on farm animals, which produce ninety percent of the methane gas traceable to farts. Three decades ago, in the early 1980s, our scientists discovered that one cow produces thirty-five cubic meters of powerful methane every day. Multiply that by the number of cows in the world, then add the horses, pigs, sheep, goats, even geese: all the animals that eat grass to turn it into energy, s–t, and methane. For farm animals alone, we are talking about thirty-five billion cubic meters of methane each year! That is not a trivial amount, folks. No wonder our sea levels are rising.

Did we stand by to watch this disaster unfold? No we did not. We applied for a government grant to develop the first effective anus stopper for cows. By 1992, forty-three percent of dairy cows in Vermont had anus stoppers in place to reduce their carbon footprint. That year, Vermont helped reduce the rate of global climate change by a factor of 0.0001%. The next year, veterinarians sold the first prototype Bovine Flatulence Fighter for general distribution to the North American market. By 1994, climate change models yielded a 0.000125% reduction in global warming’s rate of increase: another milestone for our firm.

We went on to develop anus stoppers for all farm animals, large and small. All our customers report better smelling barns, more rainfall, greener grass, and better fertilizer. Their animals are happier, produce more milk, and eat less. Consequently farmers save on their feed costs and vet bills as well. All these side benefits come when livestock owners do their part to stop global warming.

By now you’ve thought, “I don’t want my gut to blow up like a balloon! What do we do with the methane trapped behind the stopper?” The body reabsorbs part of it: ten percent or more. The rest we siphon off – into bottles or into a tank truck for our high volume establishments – with our methane waste disposal equipment. Every week – more often if necessary – our serviceman arrives at your front door with a hose. You simply bend over, remove the stopper, our trained rep inserts the hose, and you’re done in just a few minutes. He removes the hose, you pop the stopper back in, and you are ready for another week of environmentally aware, low impact living. Our rep can remove the bottle from your property for $50.00 per bottle, or let you dispose of it according to your community’s guidelines for hazardous waste.

Let’s put methane back where it belongs: in the bottle, not in the atmosphere where it causes all sorts of serious problems. To learn how you can subscribe to our service, visit www.flatulencefighters.com. Act now, before our earth’s fragile ecology reaches a tipping point. If Vermont’s best can contribute, so can you. If your next door neighbor can contribute, so can you. Please help.