Since we announced our new Flatulence Fighters several days ago, we have received a steady flow of inquiries about our new product. Here’s a sample of the most frequently asked questions:
What about airport security? Won’t my anus stopper show up on the body scanner, and make the TSA people think I have a bomb stuck up my butt?
This is a good question. You have several options:
- Remove your stopper before you get to airport security. However, do not call our service representative to the airport for methane waste disposal, as the regulations do not permit methane gas within five hundred yards of jet fuel.
- Remove your stopper at airport security and place it in the bin. With practice, we have found you can remove your stopper without pulling your pants down. Do not, however, try to replace your stopper while still at airport security, as the risk of detection is too high.
- Leave your stopper in and declare it to TSA personnel. Try to persuade them that it is standard equipment for personal and environmental hygiene. Try to educate the TSA employee about their responsibility to conduct environmentally friendly searches.
- Leave your stopper in and don’t declare it. This option is not recommended.
If you are frequent traveller, call your service representative for more options.
Can I wear my stopper when I go swimming or in the shower?
By all means. Flatulence Fighters are made to withstand all conditions of temperature, pressure, moisture and humidity. We recommend our special watertight gel to assure a waterproof fit during submersion in the pool or the bathtub.
I have hemorrhoids. How does the stopper work with these?
No problemo. Flatulence Fighters can handle all but the most stubborn hemorrhoids. If you find that you cannot properly insert your stopper due to hemorrhoid issues, call your service representative. He or she will conduct an assessment, and give you instructions for proper insertion and fit based on the unique shape of your anus.
You haven’t said anything about bowel movements. What do I do about those, and how do I prevent all the stored up gas from escaping when I have to go number two?
We do not have a good solution to that problem yet.
How can you say you don’t have a good solution to that problem? Your product is worthless if you don’t deal with that difficulty!
Okay, you have three options here:
- Carefully space your bowel movements so they occur only after your service representative conducts a weekly waste disposal operation. Constipation used to be a problem? Now it’s a benefit! We have found that the stopper actually helps promote constipation, a huge benefit for people with irritable bowel syndrome and other symptoms of irregularity.
- Sign up for our on-call program, where your service representative arrives on short notice to remove methane whenever you have the urge. To call your representative, just dial METHANE 911. We guarantee arrival before you pop your stopper.
- Conduct self-collection. Not recommended due to muss and fuss, and due to fines that arise when you accidentally allow methane to escape into the atmosphere. The EPA has announced new, stricter regulations for its methane cap-and-trade program, where people equipped with stoppers are subject to heavy penalties for leaks during self-collection.
What if a leak occurs when my service representative conducts a waste disposal operation? Am I subject to penalties then?
No, that’s one of the benefits you receive when you purchase our service. We carry the burden of all risk associated with leaky bottles and other equipment. You assume the risk for all bottles left on your premises. If an unauthorized leak occurs while your service representative is present, we pay the EPA penalty. Naturallly we ask that you not report unauthorized leaks to the EPA.
Isn’t that illegal?
No. The EPA prosecutes only unauthorized leaks, and a leak isn’t unauthorized until it’s reported.
Do you offer different options as to the material used to manufacture your stoppers?
Yes. We offer these options:
- Basic foam. These are the least expensive, and are used in low pressure situations. On the comfort vs. effectiveness scale, this model clearly leans toward comfort. Recommended for nighttime wear.
- Solid plastic. The best compromise between comfort and effectiveness, this model can handle pressures up to 33 psi (pounds per square inch). This is your best option for everyday wear.
- Carbonite steel. Our heavy duty model can handle pressures to 75 psi. Guaranteed to work even if you are in a spaceship, with a huge pressure differential between the top and bottom of the stopper. Tested in three-year-old bulls. Recommended for athletes, fire fighters, making love, jet fighter pilots, and other occupations where high levels of physical stress are common. When you insert this baby, you know it’s going to work.
What if I decide to stop using your stoppers after I have used them for a while?
Consult with your physician about possible complications. Generally we recommend that once you begin a program of responsible waste disposal, you stay with it. After a week, your anus begins to form around the stopper, and eventually assumes a new shape. If you decide to remove the stopper for good later on, it sounds like a bull horn when gas passes through. Various other problems, such as epidermal bleeding, itchiness, fungus, and water retention can occur with unexpected and permanent removal.
Speaking of itchiness, what do I do if my anus starts to itch while I have my stopper in?
We have a special anti-itch spray you can use to relieve itchiness. We do not recommend removal of the stopper to scratch the itch. Unauthorized removal, without permission of your service representative, is punishable with thirty days in jail for the first offense. Always consult with your attorney before you remove your stopper when a service representative is not present.
Why would anyone use one of your stoppers if he or she could go to jail for removing it?
The penalty for not using a stopper is substantial. The methane cap-and-trade program imposes a substantial penalty on individuals who violate the anus stopper mandate (ASM). Some activists for anus freedom have tried to call this penalty a tax, since other cap-and-trade fees count as taxes. But the ASM legislation explicitly calls this penalty a fine, not an excise tax on methane or any other kind of revenue enhancing fee.
What difference does it make if your customers pay a penalty or a tax for not using your product?
It doesn’t actually make a difference to us or to our customers. The regulators care, though. They don’t want people to opt out of the methane cap-and-trade program. The regulators feel that if they tax your farts, the Tea Party would step in with their emotional appeals against every kind of tax. If the EPA imposes a fine when you don’t stop farting, the regulators expect a much higher level of compliance, and the Tea Party doesn’t get up in arms either.
Your original product rollout didn’t mention all these rules and fines. Do you have any doubts about entering a market that is so regulated?
No. We’re confident that fart control is the right thing to do. We want to help people comply with the new fart control regulations. If we can’t reduce methane emissions from farts, we might as well give up our efforts to control global warming. As everyone knows, the ratio of methane emissions from all animal life compared to CO2 emissions from all human activity is close to 98:2, or 49:1. Then remember that methane, cubic foot for cubic foot, is forty times more potent as a greenhouse gas than CO2. What is the point of controlling CO2 if you don’t control methane?
What should I do if I don’t like my service representative? For example, what if he takes pictures of my anus during an assessment and posts them on the web?
We have strict standards when we hire our service representatives. We tell them not to post anus pictures to the internet. When that happens, we investigate and reprimand the offending representative. We have a strict three strikes and you’re out policy. If a service representative posts pictures of your anus to the web three times, we ask them to leave the company.
That sounds a little lenient. Besides, I was just using the pictures as an example. What if I want to change my service representative?
We have a form you can use to request a new service representative. We approve the form and forward it to the EPA for approval. They send it to the Executive Office for Health and Human Services for final endorsement. The process is long because the service representative has to be both well trained and work close to your home. A fast response time is no good if the representative is poorly trained. And the best representative is no good if he can’t arrive at your house on time.
Why don’t you just tell people to eat less gassy foods?
People eat what they want to eat. Do you think the average citizen will give up tacos just so they can stop wearing an anus stopper? Of course not. They’ll wear the stopper so they can keep eating tacos. Besides, how can you regulate diet from individual to individual? You get much more uniform results if you mandate round-the-clock stopper use for all farters. Then you don’t have a situation like we had for obesity, where you regulate drink size, tax sugar, use social pressure to change the behavior of fat people, and so on. For methane gas, we have a simpler solution.
Can I get a waiver so I don’t have to wear an anus stopper? How would I do that?
Waivers are available to conscientious objectors. You can file for a waiver with form 1040-FRT. The review process requires five years, and you are required to comply with all fart control regulations during the review process.
What if I don’t qualify as a conscientious objector, but I have a medical condition that prevents me from wearing an anus stopper?
You need a note from your doctor to certify your medical condition. Attach the letter on your clinic’s letterhead to form 1040-ANS under Schedule F, add your own explanation under Schedule T, and submit your materials to the EPA Office for Methane Control, PO Box 221, Washington, DC 20024. The review process for medical waivers requires about ten years.
What is the name of your company, and how do I contact you?
The name of our company is classified. You can reach us through the EPA at post office stop 2BAD, 4001 K Street NE, Washington, DC 20004. We do not have a website, but you can text us at 866-663-2787, or follow us on Twitter at #AnusStopper or @stop_farts. Lastly, reach us by email at anus_stopper_mandate@stop_farts.com.