C: Are you going to bed now?

D: I don’t see why I should.

C: What do you mean?

D: Well I’m a big boy. I can go to bed anytime I want.

C: Sure, but then you feel terrible the next day.

D: Aren’t I supposed to give advice to you? Why are you telling me what’s good for me?

C: Friends have to look out for each other.

D: So how are you doing? Do you need someone to look out for you?

C: I’ve been thinking about suicide again.

D: How come?

C: You know how depression is. It just sort of settles in and you can’t do anything about it.

D: Sounds like an unwelcome house guest.

C: Except this guest lodges in your heart.

D: What does your therapist say?

C: I don’t have a therapist. You’re my therapist.

D: I forgot. What do I say?

C: You say, “What do I say?”

D: That’s not so helpful. You should get a new therapist.

C: I can’t afford another therapist. You’re free.

D: Would you like to pay me?

C: Why?

D: You might get better advice.

C: You haven’t given me any advice!

D: So you see? If I gave you advice, it would be better.

C: Better than what?

D: Better than the advice I don’t give you.

C: You sure take a guy’s mind off his depression.

D: That’s something, I guess.

C: So what do you think? Should I get some help?

D: No, you’ll be fine.

C: I find myself wondering how you know that.

D: I figure things out.

C: That’s great. First you give me no advice for free. Now you figure things out.

D: You don’t sound too pleased.

C: Look, I wasn’t even going to ask you for advice. Then you got my hopes up.

D: About what?

C: That you might be able to help me out!

D: What do you need help with?

C: Thoughts of suicide! Depression! You’d make a great hotline volunteer.

D: What’s that?

C: Someone who — forget it.

D: Forget what?

C: Do you have short-term memory loss?

D: I’m not even going to ask what that is.

C: Good.

D: So tell me, how are things going?

C: That’s what you asked me way at the beginning!

D: Yes, but you didn’t tell me.

C: I said I was depressed! So depressed I’ve had thoughts of suicide. That’s how things are going.

D: Gee, why didn’t you tell me sooner?

C: I did tell you, several minutes ago.

D: No, I mean before today.

C: Today might have been the first day it was bad. Or the first day I realized it was bad.

D: Why do you think?

C: The holidays are coming.

D: So?

C: People start to feel bad around the holidays.

D: I don’t see why.

C: Lots of reasons. It depends on the individual.

D: Why do you feel bad?

C: I can’t really say. The feeling just sort of settles in.

D: You’ll be okay.

C: Think so?

D: Just go one day at a time.

C: It is what it is.

D: What?

C: It is what it is.

D: What does that mean?

C: It means, “One day at a time.”

D: No, it doesn’t.

C: That’s okay. I just wanted to say it.

D: Good grief!