C: Are you going to bed now?
D: I don’t see why I should.
C: What do you mean?
D: Well I’m a big boy. I can go to bed anytime I want.
C: Sure, but then you feel terrible the next day.
D: Aren’t I supposed to give advice to you? Why are you telling me what’s good for me?
C: Friends have to look out for each other.
D: So how are you doing? Do you need someone to look out for you?
C: I’ve been thinking about suicide again.
D: How come?
C: You know how depression is. It just sort of settles in and you can’t do anything about it.
D: Sounds like an unwelcome house guest.
C: Except this guest lodges in your heart.
D: What does your therapist say?
C: I don’t have a therapist. You’re my therapist.
D: I forgot. What do I say?
C: You say, “What do I say?”
D: That’s not so helpful. You should get a new therapist.
C: I can’t afford another therapist. You’re free.
D: Would you like to pay me?
D: You might get better advice.
C: You haven’t given me any advice!
D: So you see? If I gave you advice, it would be better.
C: Better than what?
D: Better than the advice I don’t give you.
C: You sure take a guy’s mind off his depression.
D: That’s something, I guess.
C: So what do you think? Should I get some help?
D: No, you’ll be fine.
C: I find myself wondering how you know that.
D: I figure things out.
C: That’s great. First you give me no advice for free. Now you figure things out.
D: You don’t sound too pleased.
C: Look, I wasn’t even going to ask you for advice. Then you got my hopes up.
D: About what?
C: That you might be able to help me out!
D: What do you need help with?
C: Thoughts of suicide! Depression! You’d make a great hotline volunteer.
D: What’s that?
C: Someone who — forget it.
D: Forget what?
C: Do you have short-term memory loss?
D: I’m not even going to ask what that is.
D: So tell me, how are things going?
C: That’s what you asked me way at the beginning!
D: Yes, but you didn’t tell me.
C: I said I was depressed! So depressed I’ve had thoughts of suicide. That’s how things are going.
D: Gee, why didn’t you tell me sooner?
C: I did tell you, several minutes ago.
D: No, I mean before today.
C: Today might have been the first day it was bad. Or the first day I realized it was bad.
D: Why do you think?
C: The holidays are coming.
C: People start to feel bad around the holidays.
D: I don’t see why.
C: Lots of reasons. It depends on the individual.
D: Why do you feel bad?
C: I can’t really say. The feeling just sort of settles in.
D: You’ll be okay.
C: Think so?
D: Just go one day at a time.
C: It is what it is.
C: It is what it is.
D: What does that mean?
C: It means, “One day at a time.”
D: No, it doesn’t.
C: That’s okay. I just wanted to say it.
D: Good grief!