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Mr. President, when did you first find out that your Secretary of State used a personal email address for her official communications?

The same time you did, when it hit the news.

When you wrote to her, what address did you use?

You’d have to ask my secretary about that.

You never sent her an email yourself?

Sure, but how would I know the address? It’s like phone numbers: the name comes up in the message blank, but you don’t know the actual address. That’s in the background, in the contacts list.

Do you think people are making too much of this email business?

Of course they are. You can’t do anything anymore without somebody calling you on it.

I guess you feel that way about your own job, too.

You’re right about that. At least I use Gmail for my correspondence. No one can complain about that, because my surveillance people can read everything I send and receive.

That’s part of your transparency initiative.

That’s right. The national security state monitors everything I do, to make sure I stay within the law.

That’s reassuring! What about the Secretary of State, though? Who made sure she didn’t break the law?

Hah! You’d better ask the NSA about that. They’ve got the goods on her, too.

Even though she didn’t use Gmail?

The spooks don’t miss a thing. I’m sure they found a way.

So we don’t need to worry.

We’re all kopasetic, man. Here, send a message to one of your friends from my phone, and see what happens.

I don’t want to get my friend in trouble!

Fair enough. But believe me, it doesn’t matter what email address you use, Big Brother is watching you.

You’re Big Brother!

Are you kidding me? Big Brother is way bigger than I am!

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